Of Uses ...

Every man serves a useful purpose. A miser, for example, makes a wonderful ancestor.

Laurence J. Peter

Nuclear Waste

When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.

(Source unknown)

The Value of Opinion

Saying what we think gives us a wider conversational range than saying what we know.

Cullen Hightower

A Benefit of Exercise

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Noel Coward

Telephones & Telepathy

If the 'phone doesn't ring ... it's me.

Jimmy Buffett

Religious Belief

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Andrew W. Mathis

Intimacy

My friends tell me that I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

Garry Shandling

Consolation

If at first you don't succeed ..... find out if the loser gets anything

Bill Lyon

Unanswerable

If it is the wrong number, why did you answer ?

James Thurber

Trust, but Verify

Broken promises don't upset me.... I just think, why did they believe me ?

Jack Handey

The Practical

Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.

Kurt Vonnegut

No Cigar

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.

Ted Turner

Unreciprocated Public Spirit

I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried — but they wanted cash.

Anonymous

Of Losing

Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.

James Patrick Murray

Perspective is Everything

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling ? Sometimes it seemed that way.

Jack Handey

Horse Sense

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields

T5, Heathrow

It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.

Douglas Adams

A Full Life (not)

Living in a vacuum sucks.

Adrienne E. Gusoff

Censor it Now !

Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete strangers to kill again.

Anonymous preview note for "The Wizard of Oz"

On Being a Godmother

She calls me god for short ... I taught her that.

Ellen DeGeneres