Diets
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
Emo Philips
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Jeffrey Bernard
When a girl says she’s got a boyish figure, it’s usually straight from the shoulder.
Henny Youngman
Get married on Friday 13th; it'll be easier to explain how things turned out badly
Phyllis Diller
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one ?
Abraham Lincoln
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.
Socrates (c.400 BC)
Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.
Billy ConnollyYou can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Fred Allen
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
Laurence J. Peter
No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.
Mignon McLaughlin
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Steven Wright
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong ?"Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charles M.Schulz
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light - with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
Douglas Adams
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Will Rogers
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
John Kenneth Galbraith
The sources for the quotations used here include my own original research, The Quotations Page, and Quotes of the Day.