Diets

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

Jackie Gleason

Specialist Skills

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.

Emo Philips

Wandering Animals Tip

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Jeffrey Bernard

Down

When a girl says she’s got a boyish figure, it’s usually straight from the shoulder.

Henny Youngman

Forward Planning

Get married on Friday 13th; it'll be easier to explain how things turned out badly

Phyllis Diller

Good Come-Back

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one ?

Abraham Lincoln

The Good Old Days ...

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.

Socrates (c.400 BC)

Untrustworthy test

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.

Billy Connolly

Hollywood

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Fred Allen

A Reason Why Disputes Do Not Settle

The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.

Laurence J. Peter

Listening

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.

Mignon McLaughlin

Shopping is Hell

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Wright

I Thought That it was Just Me !

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Dave Barry

Insomnia

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong ?"Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

Charles M.Schulz

Physics tip

Nothing travels faster than the speed of light - with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.

Douglas Adams

On Target

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

A Consolation for Under-Performance

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

Lily Tomlin

There's Owt as Queer as Folk

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

Will Rogers

For His Gravestone

I told you that I was unwell

Spike Milligan

Desperate to Make your Mark ?

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

John Kenneth Galbraith